The dreaded Valentines day... ahhhh
I can think of nothing more terrify than a child spearing me with an arrow (who knows where its been), well maybe one thing, the one event that scares every singleton to their core, VALENTINES DAY.
It is bad enough that we have to endure 'Rom Coms' on our own while the love struck pair next to you play tonsil tennis, let alone the one day a year where we are truly shunned by society.
Smug couples will enjoy fine food, good wines and presents just for being easy, I will be relegated to my bedroom with only the company of two fine men, Ben and Jerry. I am destined to sit in my pyjamas, alone, for eternity.
While women try desperation, copious amounts of vodka and a dance floor to bag a man on this most prolific of nights, I wonder what is there to do for refined women who keep their legs closed? Nothing, fuck all.
I have tried many proverbial bandages to heal my bruised heart on another lonely valentines, now I feel lost. I have tried many ways to dodge the starry eyed lovers. Curling up in my duvet, singing cheesy love ballads and drinking far too much red wine is a very appealing solution this February.
I am afraid denial seems to be a better friend to me, in my time of need than a good Cabernet Sauvignon; the best way to embrace my secret self-loathing is by far the most fun. I try the ambush approach, I take myself to the enemy (with a few girlfriends for backup), to the most romantic restaurant I can think of, we strut in, have far too much wine, and laugh uncomfortably loud pretending (of course) that we haven’t a care in the world. Ingenious.
But with almost all of my friends taken to the dark side this valentines and the other few hiding under the covers, it’s just me AGAIN and with nothing to do. As fun as pure hatred for couples is, I feel something productive would be a healthy option, but unless I want to join a singles mixer, ride the London eye on my own, or 'enjoy' a singles film club, I’m screwed.
If I think about this logically, couples literally envelop cities on valentines, making it suitability uncomfortable for singles to show their face in public. Restaurants are a no go, and unless you enjoy sitting next to that couple who are most definitely going to second base, the cinema is like anthrax to the singleton. It seems every activity requires a '2' when the day dawns, pool, bowling, theme park, ice skating- I could go on, but then I might have to kill myself.
All I can say in the end, is thank god for 15th, half price roses and cheap chocolate, maybe that's the little dividends single people get after this most horrific of days.
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1 comment:
I like this too. You've got a style that really grabs hold of people and it works well on a blog. I like the structure of this - though I think the pay off at the end works better than the intro.
At times, your sentences get a little long. Don't be afraid to break things up a little. And sometimes things are a little unclear... you could try reading things out aloud - it's a great way to identify over long sentences and/or where things are a bit unclear.
But you clearly know how to rant in a humourous way... good stuff
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